I am moving pretty soon into a new tiny apt. I am a bit freaked out but it should be a-ok! Mmhmm that is enough reassuring myself.
Sometimes in life we want everything to be about us. Or, we at least think everything is about us. The way a friend acts or doesn't act we think shifts because of how we are acting. When in reality sometimes it shifts and has nothing to do with us at all. An emotional hypochondriac, which is what I have prescribed myself to be, always thinks its a negative reaction to themselves. I am basically a worrywort and drama queen and I realize this. I have to take actual steps to stop thinking like this on a daily basis which is annoying.
I am going out of town for a while to see one of my best friends and I plan to push a lot of things off the mountain for finality. I want to come back and be chipper, happy, relaxed. Not so worried about whether or not I am being included or if people don't like me.
Everybody just wants to feel special. Like they are the center of attention. I mean who doesn't want to walk into a room and have someone be ecstatic that they are there? I think I just think about that one little emotion more than others I don't even notice that people are happy I am around. Most of the time.
For all intents and purposes this will be known as "The Break Up" or TBU. After a lot of inside turmoil and seedy resentment HMH and I had a huge fight in which I gave him an ultimatium. Ive been wanting to think of it is not an ultimatium but Ive come to see thats exactly what it is. I wanted him to either try more to help me get back on my feet and to work at having a better healthier friendship or to basically leave. I never said move out but, in all fairness, what was his other option?
Oh that's right to TALK TO ME. I asked my friend of 8 years to talk to me so that we could figure out how we were going to make this work. Mind you I would have agreed to almost anything to make things work out in our living situation and friendship. No. This was not the best time to bring this up. Yes, things had been better but it was all outward. On the inside I was still putting him before myself and he was letting me. He was asking me to. I tried for almost two years to help him get his life on track and for those exact 2 years my life has been sliding away. I just figured when it got to the point where I couldnt take it and I needed help. If i was honest and upfront about it that we could work it out.
I was so wrong. Thus TBU. I am heartbroken. I am relieved. I can't stop thinking about his face, how he cheers me up, the small things he did to show me he cared. At the same time I don't think things will ever get truly better unless I stick with it. There isnt going to be a magical day were we have all the money in the world. There isnt going to be a spring morning where we both wake up and perfect men are waiting for us. We have to do everything ourselves. I just didnt think it would be by ourselves.
I am learning about tea and by learning I mean it has captured my attention for the next hour and after that I will get distratcted. I love to soak up information but I just get so distracted. Sitting in this dull work cubicle does not help at all. I tried to liven it up with flowers and butterflys but I need a whole new color. Hmm perhaps it is time to go fabric shopping.
Anywho this post isn't about my lack of attention. I could do many posts on that and foget what I was saying half way through. No it is sort of shocking to me how many people are surging ahead with their lives all at once. I have friends who are buying houses, planning weddings and getting knocked up. All respectable and in a responsible time, if not order.
Then there is me. I really want to work more on learning about the field I am in so that I can have job security and a bigger paycheck. However, I am bored to tears. I want someone to throw a project my way but nothing happens. Then if we look at my personal life I have been cut throat irresponsible for about 2 years now and it is starting to come back to haunt me. I know I need to do a swift stop and fix what I have already broken but I can't just stop. It's not just me anymore. So I have to keep trudging on.
For the most part I am okay with the trudging because I see a bright baby filled completely out of order random existence for me. And I'm excited.
For the most part.
Maybe I am too critical of other peoples relationship which means I run into road blocks creating my own. I am not sure if that was a question or a statement really.
I have surveyed a lot of relationships in the past 25 years and I find it weird when friends come to me for relationship advice. Could it be the outside person looking in perspective? I don't know. I generally think its because I view their relationship from a distance and can usually state when anyone is being wrong, even if it both of them. It just depends on which friend it is whether I actually state my thoughts.
Anyways, after seeing so many different kinds of relationships I know my friendsships to be the closest relationships I have ever had. I have put a lot of priority into my friendships and I have essentially cockblocked myself for a good number of years in doing so.
There are just so many ways a relationship can turn out you know? Or paths that can be taken. There are so many fights that I see people get into all the tame, always the same fight, even with different couples. It's like I don't want that in a relationship. I'm just not sure how to not have that part but still have a relationship.
Truth be told a big part of me not having a relationship is not having even the remotest clue where to find men of my type. I don't really hang out places that men I am attracted to go to. Not a lot anyways.
Anyways, it's just intersting that so many relationship aspects hit so close to home for me. Especially when I haven't been in a normal loving partner relationship since I was 18. Even then, not sure it was the real thing.
My life, well my love life mainly, has been on pause for at least the last three years. I dont know how to officially take the pause button off. For one I feel I have been dedicating my life to HMH which you know he hasn't asked me to do. Its in me to do it. I am always dedicating my life to someone at some point. Its usually always a guy either the one I am dating or the one who I am closest to at the time. I just dont know how to make my life completely about me without alienating or breaking everything Ive done or had. Can I have it al? Great friends, a great guy, and a great life without sabotaging something in one corner.
All I know is what I am doing right now isnt working and the drastic measure is just to cut ties with everyone. But that just seems like a very lonely decision.
I have been thinking a lot lately about the importance of relationships. I wonder if or why a single relationship in our life, that of the one we have or will have with our significant other is supposed to be bigger, better, than the one we have with friends. Why is this the one that we should make count or last? I have an eccentric varied group of friends and for the really close ones I call them my family. I love them, some say, too much. I would do anything for them no questions asked but it is the outisders that make me stop to think and say "should I be asking questions?". Anyways thats a post for another time.
Why do we strive to find mates who we feel complete with but sometimes keep around friends that make us feel less than ourselves? I have friends who make me feel complete, who strive to make me happy every chance they can, and who want to make me feel loved and wanted. I even have some friends who do the jobs I mentioned above AND fufill me sexually. So why do I keep looking for that elusive semi-perfect (no one can be perfect) mate?
I think, for those times I feel utterly alone and nothing feels right. No matter what HMH says or DG does I feel about as low as I can get. I don't think someone I havent even met yet, or the someones I havent met yet will fill that hole for me. I know I will have to fill it for myself. Which is egregious if I may say so.
But at least mentally its the best thing for me. I have a big heart and it tends to hold on to things. So...I guess its time to break it off and let certain dreams die. They arent good dreams for me anyways, and worse yet they are toxic to think all the time.
I have a situation I go through every once in a while were I become an utter control freak and start worrying about things that have absolutely nothing to do with me. Let me tell you it is REALLY hard to just not worry about these things or dwell on them. Well hard for me.
Anyone else would have a lot of their life to worry about but I am in transition filling my life up with productive stuff and goals and that leaves me a lot of time to be gloomy and try to control something. Sometimes it is food but right now it is a situation. It always pops up and I always freak out a bit.
However, I think I am going to go about it a different way. I am going to recite the longest mantra ever, which I cannot include here as it would embarass me if my friends knew what I was worrying about, over and over until I can nicely walk away from the situation.
Weirdly enough worrying about this situation has taught me how to lie, act calm, and learn to breathe when I really want to be screaming and running off arms flailing.
So, long ass mantra it is. Wish me luck.
Find me a man, catch me a catch.
So besides my brain plus HMH plus the general pull of boredom in my life everything and everyone is telling me to go out there and live. To do. To not hold back.
Everything except my heart which is COMPLETELY comfortable with me sitting at home and drinking in front of the tv and reading tech blogs.
I am terrified. This isn't much of a post just a bunch of rambles but I am terrified and I am pretty sure its not of failing but of succeeding. I worry about my status quo and the people I need. Or want to need.
I just know I am wasting brain and energy. I don't know how much more of a sign I need besides the universe basically telling me to start doing.
But at what cost? And with whose pocketbook? There just seems to be so many questions and its making everything feel like a huge downer. It's a lot like in Sex in the City when Carrie gets invited to Paris and her friends won't stop asking questions. Enough. I should be happy that I have support and start working on opportunities but my heart can't seem to stop asking questions.
Like aren't you terrified?
I like to argue. I like to debate. I like to counterpoint so you know this health care bill is just amazing fodder for that. However I am really starting to get pissed off whenever I log into facebook because if someone posts a status and i counterpoint it gets deleted.
What you are basically stating is that you don't want to show any arguments that are against yours and you have no respect for my opinion. Which is fine if you aren't my close personal friend.
However if you are then believe that I am and will be pissed at you. Its just hypocritical. Don't post in a public forum if you don't want me to counter argue.
If you don't get that I will then you don't get me. Apparently.